Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Slow and Steady Progress

First, the bad things, some of which are repeats from my last post:

  • I still have no appetite
  • I have no energy and I'm sleeping 14-16 hours per night on the weekends
  • I have very little desire to even go walking, much less any other exercise
  • Night sweats are still an issue

And, while it's not quite the same, I still haven't gotten out fishing.  But, that's a combo of fatigue and weather, not just the fatigue.  I would have fished this past Sunday if the weather had been better.  Part of the fishing is that I either need to fish in very low water flows if I am using any pain medicine at all, or I have to have the strength and ability to fish without pain meds if the water is higher.  We just haven't hit the ideal point yet.  I'm not willing to risk becoming a drowning statistic because I insisted on wading under the influence of pain meds or in current that was too much for my current strength.

On the other hand, my hair is growing back at a fairly rapid clip.  The hair on my head is still pretty thin but growing rapidly.  I may need to get my hair trimmed soon.  My beard is patchy, but is mostly back.  Even those annoying nose hairs are back.  I didn't miss them during chemo.  Below the neck, body hair is returning, but at a very slow pace.  This isn't really an issue or a complaint.   I think it tells me that I'm still dealing with some after-effects of the chemo, but those are fading over time.

I am gradually decreasing my pain medicine, which has been a goal.  I must admit that where the surgeon removed another good chunk of my right side psoas major muscle, I am having issues.  Just a 3 mile walk is simply painful due to this.  I am guessing that my baseline after this surgery will be a higher level of pain than before.  I'm also afraid that having lost a lot of such a key stabilizer muscle is going to have a profound long term impact on both running and lifting.  I can't imagine being able to get my full strength back for hip extension, which is needed for running, the deadlift and the squat.  And, I'm guessing that each workout will have me in worse pain now than I was before this latest surgery.  But, until I actually pick up a barbell, I can't know for sure.

I hope to get back to CrossFit at a very easy level, in 2 weeks or so.  I am already anticipating that the first month or two will be very trying.  I'm simply going to be a lot weaker than I was, and this will be frustrating.  And, it may be painful.  it will certainly be difficult.

As for the bullet points, above, I'm doing my best.  I weighed 225 or just a bit higher when I started chemo in February.  I got to 215 before surgery.  I got home from surgery at about 205 (I still haven't seen the pathology report to know how much the tumors weighed, and that's likely part of the weight loss).  But, I've dropped to 195 since getting home.  Literally no foods taste good.  My oncologists both locally and at Sloan Kettering have given me some tricks to arrest the weight loss.  I'm having shakes almost every day made with ice cream and Ensure.  That's a fast way to get in 1000 calories.  Salads taste OK, so I'm having them and putting a lot of dressing on them.  Fruits taste OK, so I'm eating them.  But, the everyday meals that I'm cooking (or that my wife is cooking) aren't very appealing.  Sometimes, I manage to eat the meal, but sometimes not.

A few people have asked me about medical marijuana and if it's helping me with my appetite.  It does help, but to be honest, I'm not using it as much.  The extra pain medicine plus the medical MJ are just too much for my brain.  I don't want to be that "altered" and when I mix the two, I do end up eating, but I also end up just lying on the couch for hours, which I'd rather not do.  I'm hoping that as I continue to decrease the pain meds, I'll take more medical MJ, and that will help with appetite.

I don't know what to do about the sleeping and energy levels.  In the past, after surgery or chemo, I was always ready to go for a walk as soon as possible.  I needed to do something every day.  I just don't feel like that right now.  According to my FitBit, I've slept 15 hours or more 4 days in the last 10.  I think the smart thing is simply to sleep when my body wants to sleep.  I came back to work a lot sooner than most people would have from this surgery, and by the time the work week is over, I think I simply need the rest.  So, I'm going with it and hoping it gets better.  I'm also sleeping on the way to and from work.  That's two hours per day (my wife drives) when I normally work or just surf the web.  But now, I'm sleeping.  I'm hopeful that as my nutrition improves, my energy levels will improve as well.

As for the walking and other movement, I'm simply forcing myself to do it.  I've walked the past 3 days right now.  I'm actually a bit sore from it, but I'll probably walk again tonight.  I don't see any reason that an easy walk for an hour is going to hurt me.  At least, I hope not.

Night sweats really suck.  I've tried sleeping with and without the air conditioner and that's made no difference.  Twice last night, I woke up and changed my pajamas.  When I go to bed each night, I am sure I have 2 spare pairs of pajamas nearby, so I can switch if needed.  I'm sure this will pass with time.  I think my wife may have joked that it's menopause, which she is regretfully dealing with full on right now.  Maybe so...

Lastly, I'm trying to be myself again.  I'm a person who prides himself on making his wife laugh.  I don't seem to make that happen very often these days.  I'm someone who finds pleasure in mundane activities, like shopping for groceries, cooking dinner, or just going out for breakfast with my wife and daughter on the weekends.  I'm trying.  I really am.  I feel like I'm doing better at work, because I feel I need to keep the bosses convinced that I'm OK.  Our company is in a funding crunch right now, and I simply cannot appear to be a weak link.

I need to harness some of the energy that my company is getting and give it to my family.  My family is more important by far, although I have my reasons for working very hard right now.  Finding a new job right now would be very challenging, and I like my current job.  So, I don't want there to be any doubt at work that I'm fit and ready to go.  As my energy levels return, hopefully, I'll divert more and more of that to my family.

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