Thursday, December 10, 2015

A brave face is pretend a lot of the time

I feel like I've just gotten over the last round. I've lost my hair and shaved my scalp. The bone pain from Neulasta is gone. I skied last weekend and I've been to CrossFit the past 3 nights. I feel pretty much normal again. Well, except for the bald thing. And, I don't take that lightly. I know many patients don't get to feel normal ever.

Yet, I'm wracked by anxiety. I've gotten about 7 new appointments in the past 24 hours. Port connection and bloodwork. Meeting with oncologist. Checking into the oncology ward next Wednesday for 5 days/4 nights. Three days of post-chemo IVs and more Neulasta. Another CT scan on 12/31. A consult at Sloan Kettering the following week. 

My wife thinks my anxiety has been because of my hair. I think it's because I'm dreading starting the chemo cycle again. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and every time we come through the station, I ask to get off, and they just send me out for another loop. Every time I wake up at night, I think to myself "Maybe it was all just a bad dream." And then I remember that it isn't. 

Sorry. Just venting a bit.


Jeff Farbaniec said...

I can't imagine someone NOT being anxious about chemo.
Good luck with Round 2.

Harriet said...

If you weren't anxious you'd be a robot.