I feel like I've just gotten over the last round. I've lost my hair and shaved my scalp. The bone pain from Neulasta is gone. I skied last weekend and I've been to CrossFit the past 3 nights. I feel pretty much normal again. Well, except for the bald thing. And, I don't take that lightly. I know many patients don't get to feel normal ever.
Yet, I'm wracked by anxiety. I've gotten about 7 new appointments in the past 24 hours. Port connection and bloodwork. Meeting with oncologist. Checking into the oncology ward next Wednesday for 5 days/4 nights. Three days of post-chemo IVs and more Neulasta. Another CT scan on 12/31. A consult at Sloan Kettering the following week.
My wife thinks my anxiety has been because of my hair. I think it's because I'm dreading starting the chemo cycle again. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster and every time we come through the station, I ask to get off, and they just send me out for another loop. Every time I wake up at night, I think to myself "Maybe it was all just a bad dream." And then I remember that it isn't.
Sorry. Just venting a bit.