Loss

As I enter my 4th week of not being able to train at the gym, I'm really starting to wonder about the potential permanence of some recent changes.

I am hopeful that the new chemo will work and reduce my tumor size.  If that happens, I should be able to reduce my pain medication.  That might allow me to train in the gym again.  It might allow me to do more than go for an easy two mile walk as my "exercise".  I did actually walk 5 miles yesterday, and I'm actually a bit sore from doing that.

How far will this extend?  Right now, I'm guessing that I'm not going to be able to ski this winter.  I can't ski with this much pain medicine in my system.  I can't function at my job at the mountain.  So, after 18 seasons, am I done being a ski instructor?

Will the nausea ever decrease?  Or, am I in a battle just to get some calories into my system, and that's the new normal?  Yesterday, after the aforementioned walk (in Stowe on the bike path), my wife and I went out to dinner with friends.  I ordered a side salad and an appetizer, but to be honest, nothing on the menu looked palatable.  I managed to eat most of the salad and I started on my scallop appetizer when my body quickly and violently rejected the food I was trying to force down.  It feels as though my body simply won't eat any vegetables right now.

After the salad came back up, I was able to eat my scallops, but the beets and grapefruit that came with the scallops went untouched.  Is this the new normal?  Will I ever return to having a normal appetite?

Because of the pain meds, I'm not driving.  As long as I'm on this level of medication, I don't think I'm going to be able to drive.  Should I simply accept that I won't ever drive again?

It feels like my identity is being stripped away.  For 20+ years, I've defined myself as an athlete of some sort.  For years, I did triathlons.  Then road racing.  Then ultramarathons.  I never imagined that I'd give up being a runner. 

But then, at just the right time in my life, CrossFit came along.  For the past 8 years, that has been my obsession.  I know I'll never touch my lifetime PRs in the gym again, but will I ever be able to lift again?

If I lose the ability to train, to teach skiing, to do something as simple as driving, what is left?  Fishing?  I have to admit that I haven't been on the rivers since June right now.  Part of that was due to stream conditions, but part of it was malaise from the cancer.

I've been thinking that maybe it's time to start selling my fly fishing gear.  I know that I'll wait until next spring before I make a decision, but I've been thinking about it.  I know what my fly fishing gear is worth, and I can get a lot of cash if I sell it myself.  If my wife needs to sell it on her own in the future, she will never get fair value for the equipment that I've accumulated over the years.

I guess I'm dancing around the real issue here.  This feels like the beginning of the end, to be honest.

Maybe the chemo will be wildly successful.  Mathematically, the chance of significant shrinkage of my tumors is probably around 10%.  Stabilization is a 1 in 4 bet.  Not great odds, to be honest.

Median survival for people on the chemo that I'm on now is 16 months.  It is only used after a number of other treatments have been tried, which is exactly where I am.  It does increase survival even in cases where the tumors continue to grow, but the more they grow, the lower survival time is expected to be.

I hate to be so maudlin, but this disease is going to kill me at some point in time.  And, it's starting to feel like I'm on final approach.  I hope I'm over-reacting to a rough patch, but I also need to be honest with myself.  Maybe I'll delete this post in a month because I'm feeling better, I'm back in the gym, and I'm ready to take on ski season.  But, I honestly doubt that this will be the case.

For now, I feel empty.  Like I've lost a huge amount of what makes me who I am.  I'm at a loss.